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’ ‘So it won’t kill me, but it will fill me with excruciating pain and make me incapable of happiness?’ ‘Yes,’ Dr. Turner said mournfully. Not wanting to bother staying in the hospital, I asked to be discharged. Before leaving, we stopped off at the hospital pharmacy to pick up my meds. I was holding my hands out in the cold October air as we drove, hoping that the raw chill might ease the dull throbbing in my fingers. The pain pills were slowly kicking in, making it so that the sting was bearable, but already, the word ‘bearable’ had gained a whole new meaning for me. The drive home was silent, for my parents were trying to keep back tears, but I was calm. That’s the one good thing about being suicidal: the prospect of your own death actually brings you peace. Now I didn’t have to feel guilty about killing myself. The effect it would have on my family was one of the only things keeping me from ending it all. Now I could just let the cancer do it for me. In a way, it felt good to. My father and I sat in his one-room small cottage in plain, hard wooden chairs, making last-minute arrangements. ?Tell me again, father,? I said dreamily. ?Tell me what it will be like when my husband takes me.?My father paused, considered a minute.?After the wedding, the women will take you to the big tent and strip you and bathe you,? he said. ?They’ll make sure every inch of you is clean, and then they’ll scent you and rub oil on your body. They’ll leave you in nothing but a white loincloth waiting on the bed for your husband.??Oh, it sounds wonderful,? I said, and meant it. ?And he will know what to do???Yes, just as I’ve shown you, his father will have talked to him.??Please, show me again, father.??Alright,? he said. ?Take off thy smock.?I lifted the smudged brown smock over my head. I was naked underneath. At 18, I was still fragile-looking; of medium build, but small quivering mouth, small hands, flat chest and small brown buds, and a small prick and balls standing out from a.
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